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danny2
Advanced Member
706 Posts |
 Posted - 02/06/2010 : 08:41:14 AM
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Well that's great news at least Tash!
You've come such a long way,I remember you back at the detox forum,friedas place etc. This is such progress!
I know you feel like crap but you're headed in a good direction.Things WILL get better.
Feel better hun. |
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt.Bertrand Russell
The dumbest people I know are the ones who know it all.Malcolm Forbes. |
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toto
Senior Member
USA
1387 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2010 : 12:38:05 PM
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Jules no one can make me feel better.
I'm in hell and I can't get out. 
Will post when feeling better. Just need time. Love ya all. |
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toto
Senior Member
USA
1387 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2010 : 3:17:30 PM
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BOAG asked me in the War Zone where I was bitching about my misrable life.
Asked how I'm measuring my .60-.65 mgs where I've been since yesterday.
Have 8 mgs pils. Quartered them to make 2 mgs pieces.
Then halved those 2 mgs into 1 mgs & now am slicing off a sliver when I drop.
With each dose drop I sliver off a bit more.
All I know that each dose drop is smaller than the last drop.
Getting harder in all ways as ya'll know.
Didn't plan on posting today but guess I am.
I hate my life today. |
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mimiluv
Local Fixture
Cuba
6396 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2010 : 3:25:50 PM
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You can do this Tash. You just gotta be strong, the w/d will pass. I promise you it will get better and better the longer you hang on. Soon the acute w/d will be a thing of the past, then you just have to hang on through paws (which I am doing now), it is slowly getting better. I will take sub paws over sub any day of the week. The paws really aren't that bad, I think I just get down because I want what I want when I want it, aaaand what I want is to be back to my pre opiate phase or better, lol.
Basically you have 3 options.
1) Stay on sub forever
2) Stay on H forever
3) Get through w/d and live drug free
I vote for 3, but that's just me, lol. |
Angela
8/26/09 sub free
9/6/09 benzo free
9/27/09 CLEAN!!!
Before you can see the light, you must DEAL with the darkness. |
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gettingbetter
Jr. Member
131 Posts |
Posted - 02/07/2010 : 9:17:18 PM
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Toto ... I was thinking about you today. Drove through your neck of the woods. Wish I'd known you were feeling this way. You've been on my brain.
Listen, this is never easy, but you're doing everything right and dammit you're walking through it. I know you want this. It boils down to what you said: "All I know is that each dose drop is smaller than the last drop." That's all you really need to know, Tasha. That's it, right there. And you're doing it. As long as you do that continually, nothing else matters.
Much respect and love to you.
Danielle |
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CTCheryl
Senior Member
USA
1121 Posts |
Posted - 02/08/2010 : 08:52:36 AM
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Tash,
It seems to me you are prolonging the inevitable by continuing to take these slivers every day of sub. This is of course just my opinion based on my own past experiences, but whenever I tried cutting sub down further and further it seemed to just tease the receptors in my brain to want more and more. I became obsessed waiting for that time to take that sliver. Once you get that low for as long as you've been, it may just be time to bite the bullet, go through the hell (which you are now anyway) and get it over with. Then you just have the PAWS to look forward to. You have Immodium, right? You have Clonidine or can get some, right?
I can't even count the times I said oh, just a tiny bit and then a few hours later just a tiny bit more. It's really no different because than just using because you know it will take away the pain. That's why I started using drugs in the first place, to take away the pain. I know you are limited with the amount you have so once it's gone, it's gone.
I've done it the way you are and then also forcibly (the last time) jumped from 8mg a day and I can honestly say, both ways sucked ass but not one more than the other. I had to detox from benzo's and sub at the same time and it was horrible. I know how bad it gets just like a lot of other peeps here.
You are a smart lady, you know there are better days ahead. Just go for it and leave this shit behind.
Sorry this is so long, but I was thinking about you and wanted to tell you this.
8 months today!
Cheryl
XXOO |
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toto
Senior Member
USA
1387 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2010 : 7:05:24 PM
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I need some explaination or help.
Last evening & this evening come late afternnon, I'm been shaking unbelievable.
Shaking like I can't even hold a ciggie or pen in my hands & am feezing cold.
This ia new experience for me & don't understand it.
Shaking so badly & cold like I'm in the North Pole.
Still at about .60 -.65 mgs. All day I'm ok but come late afternnon
I start to fall about physicialy.
Am asking for any explanation or any help. tasha |
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celticpride
Senior Member
Vatican City
1768 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2010 : 9:07:39 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by toto
I need some explaination or help.
Last evening & this evening come late afternnon, I'm been shaking unbelievable.
Shaking like I can't even hold a ciggie or pen in my hands & am feezing cold.
This ia new experience for me & don't understand it.
Shaking so badly & cold like I'm in the North Pole.
Still at about .60 -.65 mgs. All day I'm ok but come late afternnon
I start to fall about physicialy.
Am asking for any explanation or any help. tasha
That is odd? Is it like the heebie Jeebie shivers? Do you a fever? I remember when detoxing I would REALLY start to feel like shit in the afternoon. Even a month after jumping. I would feel chill to the bones as well and could never quite keep my body temp comfortable. I think once your body adjusts to the .65mgs it should stop. I am so proud of you sis Keep at it. It the shaking continues perhaps you should seek a doctors opinion.
Luv ~N~ Hugz
CelticPride |
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CTCheryl
Senior Member
USA
1121 Posts |
Posted - 02/22/2010 : 08:31:58 AM
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Tasha-Check in with us, was it the flu?
Come on girl.... |
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julie1129
Local Fixture
3212 Posts |
Posted - 02/23/2010 : 09:45:21 AM
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Yeah, where'd you disappear to, toto???? Dorothy and Auntie Em are lookin' for ya! There's a twister comin'!!!!
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beachnut
Senior Member
USA
1400 Posts |
Posted - 02/23/2010 : 11:24:04 AM
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I dont think falling down is a detox symptom of Sub...Maybe benzo's?, but need to see a MD. Very hard to diagnose on net.
good luck |
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toto
Senior Member
USA
1387 Posts |
Posted - 02/23/2010 : 9:20:01 PM
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Got down to .50 & went back up to .75. Hate myself for that.
Feel like crap & not even posting. Can't even think.
Thanks all for asking, Bro' Celtic Pride, & sisterluvs Julie, Beachnut & CTCheryl.
I'm in the middle of a twister & need to see some munchkins.
But for now every day is like living in Hell not OZ.
It seems like it will never end. My classes ended last week.
Don't know if I want to sign up again because no one was talking.
Bro' Tommy, sorry about you waitin for unemployment & loosing the daily contact with your co-workers.
Please get some retraining. Been laid off since April & finally after 9 months I got 3 interviews & did not get hired.
I have 28 years experience in my job but there were 10 people in front of me & 10 people waiting after I came out of my interview.
All of them are younger & most of them have a college degree.
Only have 2.8 weeks of checks then I'll be like the Wicked Witch-dead.
It seems impossible to get a job & I'm still uploaded, emailing, faxing & mailing my resume at least 5-10 times per day.
The depression is overwhelming. Go to school Tommy, PLEASE.
If anyone have any spare ruby slippers please send them to me. xox |
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julie1129
Local Fixture
3212 Posts |
Posted - 02/23/2010 : 9:50:49 PM
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Damn, toto. What a sucky update THAT was.
The depression is a motherfucker, no doubt about that. I wish I had an easy answer for how to feel better. I bet 90% of addicts suffer from depression. I'm not sure if it's something that happens BEFORE we pick up, that maybe CAUSED us to pick up, OR if it's a RESULT of us using and feeling so shitty about ourselves for that. I don't know. Or maybe it's just really a chemical imbalance that has been there all along. I'm sure everybody's answer is different.
I just can't believe you have been so sick, toto. And you haven't even jumped yet! I don't think you are in the "norm" at all. Usually you don't get REALLY sick til AFTER you jump. So I don't know, maybe there's something else physically going on with you. Have you been to the doctor lately and gotten checked out at all???? Because some of the stuff you've been going through just don't sound right. You've been tapering for a while now, and you should NOT be as sick as you are. Usually after a week or so you stabilize on whatever dose you're at and you do pretty good. But you, for some reason, just don't sound like you're able to stabilize at these lower doses. And I'm not sure why. Honestly, if I was you, at this point I think I'd just jump and say fuck it. Just get the agony over with once and for all. KWIM???? Cuz what you're going through is just slow torture. Yes, you will suffer....but you're suffering right now anyways.
I don't know, what do you think??? I know you have an awful lot going on in your life right now, but maybe now's the time to do this, BEFORE you actually find a job. Cuz AFTER you find a job, there will just never be "a right time."
I feel for you, Tasha, I really do. It sounds like you're living in hell right now.
Maybe it's time for some drastic measures....
I love you and care about you and hope you feel better soon. Come chat any time, even if you think you have nothing to say or you feel like all you're doing is whining and bitching and complaining. Believe me, we've ALL done our fair share of that! Just come and vent. It might make you feel a little better.
Love you and miss you.
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toto
Senior Member
USA
1387 Posts |
Posted - 02/24/2010 : 3:20:30 PM
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Jules, I think you hit it on the head.
I think I'm in a depression because I haven't worked since April.
Finding some age discrimination & not having a college degree
doesn't help much. Only have 2.8 weeks of unemployment checks
unless they extend the benefits.
The tapering off the subs is rough as we all know but am thinking the
lack of work is making me feel useless, nervous & somewhat lost.
Keep saying I'm a survivor but am a workabee & like having a daily schedule.
The physical ailments are doable, just need a damn job.
Thanks so much to check in with me. You're a sweetie. |
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hattrik
Member
350 Posts |
Posted - 02/24/2010 : 3:29:52 PM
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Hey TOTO..sorry you are living the nightmare of the " BLACK HOLE OF JOB APPLICATIONS" I have multiple friends in the same spot..All levels, major executives, down to a line cook...all of them are struggling to get a single response from anywhere..
Perhaps a work at home biz? SElling something on the phone.. I know sales sux, I am in it. However, if you can sell something, get commission, you basically make money for a company to pay you. In a market like this it is worth a shot. Once you have skill at selling, you can usually always find a way to make a living. Just a thought.
The classes seemed to be good for you. Any thoughts on other productive recovery things to do with your time? Meetings can help, lots of times they have them during the day. Not much to lose, get outta the house, meet some peoples, maybe even find a job thru that interaction...Just some thoughts.
Hang in there Toto.. |
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Not a 12 stepper
Advanced Member
South Sandwich Islands
850 Posts |
Posted - 02/26/2010 : 07:35:59 AM
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Hi Toto,
Tapering is a great way to avoid the worst withdrawal symptoms, But... When the taper gets really miserable, it's time to take the leap.
I understand you still have sub left. Flush it, use your comfort meds, and try life off of opiates.
I'm sorry your unemployed right now, but, this is the perfect time for you to finish your detox.
We're all gonna cheer you on, when you finally say, "enough's enough", and jump. |
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CTCheryl
Senior Member
USA
1121 Posts |
Posted - 03/02/2010 : 3:52:13 PM
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Toto, Tasha honey, where are you??? You doing okay?
Thinking about ya.
Cheryl |
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macksabratt
Jr. Member
 ');background-repeat: no-repeat; background-position: center;">
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USA
111 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2010 : 06:19:29 AM
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Toto,hope all is going well with you.
Hugs,
Mack |
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So Cal
Senior Member
1950 Posts |
Posted - 03/12/2010 : 10:25:42 AM
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Tash,
Hey girl,,how ya doin today? Yea,,i know,,believe me i know depression,,,but to be jonesin on top of that makes me feel so bad for you. I wish i could send you another card but its been like 6mos since if seen a doctor and im just using what i had saved up to detox with. I had a whole bunch but i didnt have an endless supply like i felt i did. but e-mail me and ill try. i cant seem to find another doctor. my old doctor cut me loose sayin i owed him over a thousand dollars. but it was he staff fuckin up the paper work. i talked to them yesterday and they said they'd check ,,,and it turns out im coverd for everything,,including the office fee's. which of course i already knewe,,ive been on the shit 5 1/2 yrs and he was my third doctor and i was his very first patient,,,man,,i mean this dude did not know one thing about sub. But he's got it all figured out now (cash cow),,and told the nurse he wont see me anymore. freakin jerk! He used to even discuss his other patients with me and should he do this or should he give him x amout of sub. anyway,,im just tryin to make it through another day.
you take care,
TT |
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Topic |
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Toto is still a junky and still needs help
