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lifeback
Jr. Member
USA
195 Posts |
 Posted - 02/03/2010 : 5:37:19 PM
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| thanks brother, I feel hopeful and happy now as compared to this morning all i had was relapse guilt. cut several connections for good today too, no more whispering calls with temptations and i have a plan now. I have a spiritual path: I believe Meher Baba is an avatar like jesus, buddah, krishna etc.. and i am re-starting my practice and meditation tonight. I am excited to leave work so i can begin. I do not feel like an adict, but i did feel like i had a problem with addiction so i guess that's good enough AND i want to stop using and move into healthy recovery and functioning. I ask that you come back and chat with me hattrik, it's nice to have someone out there that cares. with love light and hope i begin this. This relapse was the fuel for my recovery like those pamphlets say and sharing here has been of great help. Thank You. |
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lifeback
Jr. Member
USA
195 Posts |
Posted - 02/04/2010 : 09:15:29 AM
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| feel great today, i have a resolve and focus now. i guess the relapse was the wake-up call i needed. Never doing opiates again. took my trazadone for sleep last night and it's helping with my depression. other than that i feel fine. i know people must say it alot but this was the final straw for me. I am done for good |
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arlenewla
Local Fixture
USA
2258 Posts |
Posted - 02/04/2010 : 11:14:18 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by lifeback
thanks brother, I feel hopeful and happy now as compared to this morning all i had was relapse guilt. cut several connections for good today too, no more whispering calls with temptations and i have a plan now. I have a spiritual path: I believe Meher Baba is an avatar like jesus, buddah, krishna etc.. and i am re-starting my practice and meditation tonight. I am excited to leave work so i can begin. I do not feel like an adict, but i did feel like i had a problem with addiction so i guess that's good enough AND i want to stop using and move into healthy recovery and functioning. I ask that you come back and chat with me hattrik, it's nice to have someone out there that cares. with love light and hope i begin this. [yellow]This relapse was the fuel for my recovery[/yellow] like those pamphlets say and sharing here has been of great help. Thank You.
Great post!
A couple of things occur to me, LB. Its great that you cut your connections AND remember that the whispering voices are our own voices. A relapse voice can be as simple as an oh, well...I made it back before so why shouldn't I XYZ this time.
I relate to this thing about not feeeeeling like an addict. When I entered treatment, I thought I was just a woman who had become "dependent" upon opiates. I thought that once I detoxed....it would be over.
Came to understand that all of behaviors were that of an addict. In other words, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, it must be a......Holy shit...a garden variety junkie!
That was a very unpleasant moment AND from that moment one, I was able to start coming to grips that drugs were the least of my problems. I was the problem and utilized drugs as the solution. |
Arlene F.
Exodus from Slavery; 12-25-02 |
Edited by - arlenewla on 02/04/2010 11:14:58 AM |
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lifeback
Jr. Member
USA
195 Posts |
Posted - 02/04/2010 : 11:19:37 AM
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i wish you all peace and health. i think i had drifted from my spiritual path too far. ALL the answers are there for me. I went through a painful divorce process and end of a marriage and i think i started using drugs when i was unhappy in my choice of a life partner. The drugs sustained me and really did replace alot of the emotional pain i was hiding from for so long. The inability to simply say No to anything or being nonconfrontational i meandered for two years in Drug usage. I smoked pot and tried a bunch of things in high school and college but never had i used drugs as a crutch like i did this time. It had always been the teenage LSD trip or dance party X variety before i found opioids. I am not ready for NA, i feel this but the message was course correcting yesterday. Like voila' dummy, GOD is the way out. i also find it interesting literally thebaine = the bane : HA! So i turned a corner yesterday.
I cannot control pills; they are too strong for me so i cannot take them any longer. I have to return to God and meditation and train myself to endure what i cannot cure. I am going to recover. |
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mimiluv
Local Fixture
Cuba
6396 Posts |
Posted - 02/04/2010 : 11:19:59 AM
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| Arlene check your PM's please. |
Angela
8/26/09 sub free
9/6/09 benzo free
9/27/09 CLEAN!!!
Before you can see the light, you must DEAL with the darkness. |
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lifeback
Jr. Member
USA
195 Posts |
Posted - 02/04/2010 : 11:25:34 AM
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| I am a recovering addict. If i have to say that everyday for the rest of my life in the mirror, or to a group of anonymous strangers i will do it. |
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lifeback
Jr. Member
USA
195 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2010 : 08:13:04 AM
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hi everyone. just checking in. So i have decided to explore homeopathy since i like taking medications i figured i could switch to natural vitamins and tinctures to satisfy myself. I got a potassium supplement for my RLS, i got valerian for relaxation and IT DOES WORK very much like a benzo/ativan. I took 20 droplets and slept two hours nicely. I got a chewable adult horsepill multi vitamin as well that was pineapple flavored that was nice too. I am now actively attacking my recovery instead of just focusing on "getting through W/D" We should maybe make a list of the pitfalls and make it sticky on this forum. I caved in 30 days after cleaning off subs almost like clockwork
addict behavior, so maybe a warning will help others? I am still taking the trazadone for seratonin/Sleep. Other than that i feel okay and wiser today with the weekend up ahead and rest and relaxation planned.
I wish you all peace and hope to get through your challenge. |
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danny2
Advanced Member
706 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2010 : 08:42:18 AM
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Morning life!
Glad you're doing better.
And I like your perspective.
Valerian helped me out too.Only prob wass that it seemed to stop working for me after a week.But that's me.
Ahh pitfalls...in which way do you mean?Like the voice in our heads.Or when stressful situations arise? Or when facing life just seemed so overwhelming?
Those were what I needed to watch for in the beginning.But the good news is as you learn life skills and ways of coping that don't involve drugs,the challenges do become easier to face and solve.That's good old practice for ya!
Plus taking things in small bites rather then huge gulps makes many things stressful,much more manageable.
Keep up the good work,check in so we know how you're doin k? |
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt.Bertrand Russell
The dumbest people I know are the ones who know it all.Malcolm Forbes. |
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arlenewla
Local Fixture
USA
2258 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2010 : 09:00:22 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by lifeback
I am a recovering addict. If i have to say that everyday for the rest of my life in the mirror, or to a group of anonymous strangers i will do it.
Totally agree, LB!
For several years in the morning before I put on my makeup and dressed for work, I would look in the mirror and say good morning Ms. Junkie. After doing my toilette, I would look again and say good morning Ms. Holy Soul.
It was the juxtoposition of the two conditions. In the first condition, my life goes to shit. In the second, I will double check my agenda....and then do the next right thing (as much as it may suck from time to time).
In recovery, I both cleaned up well and I've got to remember what lousy behavior I'm capable of.
quote:
I am now actively attacking my recovery instead of just focusing on "getting through W/D"
Without doubt!!!
While detox/WD appears to occupy every fibre of one's being when going through it, there is a finite end to it.
There is no finite end to recovery. For me, its a life-long pursuit. There is no finish line.
For this addict, after the craving/obsession was long over, its about daily emotional & spiritual growth. I couldn't expect to just put the drugs down and enter recovery in the same condition that began that whole cycle.
Recovery, for me, is about the thinking that had me using for 22 years. It was on me to re-create...to get to the core issues...to respond differently. Recovery is a daily action. |
Arlene F.
Exodus from Slavery; 12-25-02 |
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lifeback
Jr. Member
USA
195 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2010 : 10:33:09 AM
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| i am seeing this now. I took a day off today to focus and heal a bit mentally. I have a light mellow weekend planned but i know what my core issues are. My parents divorced when i was 7 and i had horrible allergies when i was a teen, drugs stopped the horrible sneezing and embarrasment of being the snot nosed kid no-one wanted to shake hands with at church. I was mentally abused by my step father and used pot and coke as a teen to fit in. Ran away from home @17 and then ran off to college. I had one after another crappy sexual relationship based on partying and fast times, but i turned that around, worked for hospice for 5 years, got a Masters degree and a good job. Satisfied alot of my goals then i got bored and the drugs snuck back in. Like it was now OK to be a pill popper/junky/addict. Cause i could afford it. Well my pocketbook could but my body cannot take it. So i am moving a bit slower but i am moving in the right direction now. Dealing with this is a life issue not a drug habit issue. I see that now, it's like the veil is lifted. Thanks everyone for perspective and hope. Day 3 of recovery is underway. |
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arlenewla
Local Fixture
USA
2258 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2010 : 11:17:07 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by lifeback
Dealing with this is a life issue not a drug habit issue. I see that now, it's like the veil is lifted.
Bamm! With an understanding like that, you are well on your way. |
Arlene F.
Exodus from Slavery; 12-25-02 |
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lifeback
Jr. Member
USA
195 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2010 : 6:44:33 PM
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| and now the drugs seem so meaningless, like what the hell was i thinking. I started the potassium supplements, multi-vitamin and b6 and b complex today. Vitamin flush is feeling nice. Going to find a therapist to address my unfinished childhood issues and try to cope better in the future. Having a bad marriage is no excuse to ruin yoru whole life and having a bad childhood is in the same ballpark. I want to build bridges and move on not sattelite them forever. |
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lifeback
Jr. Member
USA
195 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2010 : 7:20:03 PM
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Kava-kava is also a nice natural benzo and IT WORKS. It's like the ativan/diazepam mellow without the sleepiness, this is NICE. I took 20 droplets of it and i feel mellow and safe, like dope made me feel.
Two quiestions still on my mind about sub stuff.
I realize i relapsed onto hydros and possibly jumped from way too high a dosage, but SINCE i took some hydros in the relapse the lead suit PAWS stuff from sub "seems" to have gone, whereas i had to FIGHT IT everyday after i stopped suboxone. Does anyone else have this experience? I mean i feel no death lethargy on me.
So i am trying valerian once in the evening.
multi once a day
b-complex sublingual
b6 sublingual
potassium supplement once a day
kava-kava twice a day
for my mental health day.
had 1/2 a cigarette my next demon to beat
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lifeback
Jr. Member
USA
195 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2010 : 09:08:54 AM
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| hi day four is nice. A sleepy rainy saturday. Gonna rent some movies. In past times i would already be high. Not today! Just for today i am clean. And there is a new today everyday. i am chilled on a cup of coffee and reading the forums. Already did dishes made the bed [GF had to work a special event today] The vitamins have helped alot with my energy/motivation levels. I did some research on Kava-kava last night. Seems like a nice short term helper. PLayed my guitar yesterday and found inspiration there too. life is back. Now i need to find out who the hell i am. |
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lifeback
Jr. Member
USA
195 Posts |
Posted - 02/08/2010 : 10:46:07 AM
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| hi. turned the corner and not looking back. I consider now this more of a dependency issue stemming from anxiety and childhood issues. I do not need the pills anymore. the relapse and some timely advice from people here and research helped me focus my real problem. Getting off drugs was a symptom of my problem, abusing them as well. I was able to return the proper significance to medications and move on. In the matter of only a few days. What a difference a day makes. Thank you all very much with helping me with my mindest and life goals. |
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arlenewla
Local Fixture
USA
2258 Posts |
Posted - 02/08/2010 : 11:02:19 PM
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| LB...I'm confused. |
Arlene F.
Exodus from Slavery; 12-25-02 |
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lifeback
Jr. Member
USA
195 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2010 : 08:02:29 AM
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| Just journalling clean days and letting stuff come out. I found a way to put the drugs down with everyones help i saw that my problems were not so much about drugs but about anxiety, insecurity and hiding. No longer being in W/D it's making things clear for me. I spent another rejuvenating weekend clear from opiates and as i get farther away from them the more hopeful and rambling! i am getting. I guess i have been thinking out loud and sometimes that is contradictory. I think admitting i was an addict let me let it go too. I know what my challenge is now. Staying Quit and REMEMBERING who i am. Who i want to be. And in all my childhood and adolescent dreams "JUNKIE" was never on that list. So i am shifting my focus to what i can effect, my present and future. |
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beachnut
Senior Member
USA
1400 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2010 : 09:14:57 AM
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LB.... on my first few months clean... I made little sense. It was all so new to me, had a hard time deciphering it all. The Clear mind for me....well, was not all what it was cracked up to be. Now.. I am very comfortable with it. Not always the thoughts I want to have but I do have the ability to look at them.
Keep it up.... as you get "use" to being clean... the clear mind gets more comfortable. |
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beachnut
Senior Member
USA
1400 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2010 : 09:16:17 AM
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| PS.... keep posting. Later you read back and see how far you have come... THAT for me... was hope. |
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lifeback
Jr. Member
USA
195 Posts |
Posted - 02/11/2010 : 07:22:19 AM
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| slept 6 1/2 hours last night no trazadone. I am getting sleepy at 10:30-11PM now in bed by midnight and sleeping again! Thank you God. No Foggy Morning today! No Dry mouth. little advances. |
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beachnut
Senior Member
USA
1400 Posts |
Posted - 02/11/2010 : 07:37:43 AM
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| Congrats.................... turning a big corner here. |
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lifeback
Jr. Member
USA
195 Posts |
Posted - 02/12/2010 : 08:17:12 AM
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| Thanks beachnut, Last night as well in bed & asleep by 12 up at 6:30, which is what i USED to sleep before abusing. I feel so strange without any drugs in my system. RELEARN how to feel. RELEARN. |
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mimiluv
Local Fixture
Cuba
6396 Posts |
Posted - 02/12/2010 : 08:26:07 AM
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| WTG, LB. How many days do you have clean now? |
Angela
8/26/09 sub free
9/6/09 benzo free
9/27/09 CLEAN!!!
Before you can see the light, you must DEAL with the darkness. |
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lifeback
Jr. Member
USA
195 Posts |
Posted - 02/12/2010 : 11:18:25 AM
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i consider it with no nothing 2 days no drugs at all
no Suboxone since 12/17/09
no opiods at all 10 days
i have to say the relapse killed the PAWS. That is not to say i recommend relapsing, but afterwards the LEAD SUIT, the constant tiredness and lack of motivation vanished. |
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subzero
Member
241 Posts |
Posted - 02/13/2010 : 12:29:33 AM
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| LB, I wonder if you are onto something.... |
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Topic |
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help with suboxone withdrawals
