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beachnut
Senior Member
USA
1400 Posts |
 Posted - 02/08/2010 : 8:05:43 PM
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I grew up in the city... drug addict/etoh parents. Hit the street pretty young. Became very street wise very early. When I meet people I also look at what they are not saying. Not that I judge them on what they look like/act like, in fact I dont really judge them. I just always looking for the catch when the interest is on me.
Not really fear of getting hurt... no one is that close that they can hurt me. I am not numb but just watchful eye.. not sure this is making sense. |
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mimiluv
Local Fixture
Cuba
6396 Posts |
Posted - 02/08/2010 : 8:18:45 PM
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It's making sense to me. I think if you are looking for what they're NOT saying, you're not really hearing what they are saying? Maybe? Yes I think trust is a biggie for you. I think you are afraid of getting hurt and that's why you won't let anyone in, KWIM... You said that no one is close enough to you to hurt you. It's okay to let people in, if you let them in, yes they can hurt you, but they can also give you wonderful feelings of love, appreciation, need ect... I know with your work you like to feel needed. I also think that woman in general like to feel needed. It feels good to be needed, KWIM, in a healthy way of course. I don't know if I am making any sense either, lol.
Do you have any friends that you think you might want to have a close relationship w/? |
Angela
8/26/09 sub free
9/6/09 benzo free
9/27/09 CLEAN!!!
Before you can see the light, you must DEAL with the darkness. |
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beachnut
Senior Member
USA
1400 Posts |
Posted - 02/08/2010 : 8:33:53 PM
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I do listen....its what I do for a living. I work with about 90% active addicts. Nursing homes are not what they use to be... all my building gets are addicts with HIV, endocarditis, abcesses. My job is to be sure they are treated well by the MD's as far as pain control. Really all I do is make sure they are not in wd while in my building. We dont have MD's in house around the clock. We do not allow anyone on suboxone but they can have the meth if with a clinic that deliveres two weeks worth for the patient. I assit in dose conversion with the H addict for the md's. We switch them to Oxycontin/mscontin.
I go to meetngs and hear it all... I do at times make judements.. BS detector is stong. Can see if Sub is onboard and they are in honey moon stage. I guess the truth is that I just was not willing to put the work in. I think it may be just unwillingness. |
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mimiluv
Local Fixture
Cuba
6396 Posts |
Posted - 02/08/2010 : 8:37:16 PM
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| Well, I think that by realizing all of this you ARE making head way in the right direction. I think you are getting the willingness, KWIM.. I think you're on the way, Bonita, WTG!! |
Angela
8/26/09 sub free
9/6/09 benzo free
9/27/09 CLEAN!!!
Before you can see the light, you must DEAL with the darkness. |
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beachnut
Senior Member
USA
1400 Posts |
Posted - 02/08/2010 : 8:56:55 PM
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You ask me if I had close friends... Not really. I have friends that we share sailing/boat work. I have coffee with many from the meetings. My sister and I are very close. Only 1.5 yrs apart in age. We share everything.
I am cultivating a relationship with my neuro doc... who will be passing me to his colleague. He and I have become closer then we should as doc/patient. This does excite me. He is a bit younger then I but very cool. As doctors go... he needs some help at the socail level. spent his life in school. He is gonna come over before this next snow storm. He put his time in and wont be on call. |
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arlenewla
Local Fixture
USA
2258 Posts |
Posted - 02/08/2010 : 11:44:09 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by beachnut
Well... thinking why I am so reluctant to get a sponsor. How do I learn how to really share my soul with another. Wonder if that is really all it is... sharing. I can share details of crap.. but that seems to simple. I've gone thru the steps bymyself... wrote shit I am ashamed of...how I affected others. I have been coming to terms with that shit for a while now.
The sponsor thing.....you know Ange, When I read others with real time I get so jealous of the insights they have. Like Arlene. I meet folks in person and I always read between the lines. KWIM?
Ange...what I think Bonita means is that when she meets people, rather than trust, she's trying to figure out their angle...a hidden agenda. Is that right, Bonita or did I misinterpret?
So I see that you slept on this issue and continue to contemplate. That's good, 'cuz I was cogitating on it too.
Bonita...did it occur to you that you've trusted people you don't know at all to take you through the Ibo experience? From what you've written about it...that required heavy duty trust. Or was that trust born of desperation?
Either way, it doesn't matter. When I was desperate enough, I HAD to trust in others who had walked this path before me. Trust or die. Simple choice, yes?
Baby girl...you cannot work the steps by yourself. You're bouncing stepwork off of yourself. A guide is required.
So, a friend stopped by to see me today. He's an opiate addict...straight up pill guy. He was sober (aka dry) for a bit...never got a sponsor...never worked the steps. Then he fell off of a ladder at work. Starting using Vicodin as a pain med.
Sooooo...fast forward to 2 years later...and he's full blown. He's got a guy with 12 years who is more than willing to sponsor him and has been for awhile. And my friend's continuing line is "I'm stubborn & don't believe in airing my dirty laundry in public. I don't need help...I can do this on my own."
So I ask him what the problem is then. He says, "I can stop...but I can stay stopped." Okay. So I then ask him how his stubbornness and lack of willingness to get to his own truths are working out for him.
He pauses and says...hmmmm...I guess I better call the sponsor. I know...and he knows I know...that he won't.
Stubbornness and fear of trust is not serving him well.
Bonita...you had a death dream. Death by using. Did that dream scare the shit out of you sufficiently to drop your wall and get a sponsor?
How stubbornly do you wish to hold onto the idea that this has to be alone job?
Babes....I have several key people in my life. They all serve different purposes based on their stengths and my needs. I've got a sponsor for strictly step issues. I've got a mentor..aka life coach. She happens to be a therapist. I've got 2 spiritual mentors; 2 because they have different soul approaches.
They are the sentinels at my many gates. And while this may look compartmentalized, it really isn't. I pull on all their arts to reconcile them into the whole woman concept. I'm a recovering addict who needs help in navigating daily life and to do in a spiritual manner.
Are you following, me Bonita? |
Arlene F.
Exodus from Slavery; 12-25-02 |
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beachnut
Senior Member
USA
1400 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2010 : 08:24:30 AM
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Yes.... I am following you.
When I went to Mexico last yr... no trust, just hand nothing to loose. I was planning my death, just last shot for me. When I arrived there... I almost left. I get to the house and see Peyote growing, the house manager smelled of beer, the women who did my intake sorta was open minded hippie. I decided to stay since I paid for it and really didn't want to end my life. I had it all prepared though for when I returned home..... praise my Lord that it worked.
YES!!!! The vision scared the shit out of me. SO real, in color and smells present. The other "film" running at the same time was me growing old with my sister, in her house and we were sitting around playing bridge. We were happy.
I will put effort in getting a sponsor. The next day I can get to a meeting I will just stand up and ask for someone willing to began the process... I have too. Like you said, not a marrige. I can get started at least. IF I see pin point eyes on this person.. I can always walk away. Hun.... I really hope/pray that I have the willingness and strenght once the city is thru this storm.
hope your feeling well today luv. |
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beachnut
Senior Member
USA
1400 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2010 : 08:33:38 AM
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Well....... finally my "little" booster has wore off and I am back to baseline again.
I guess I needed the little extra to really be open enough to see my pitfulls. TY Ange, you were very helpful and funny. I still get a bit of dancing lights.. but the "dreamy" state has left.
To tell the truth.... SO GLAD THIS IS DONE AND BEHIND ME. Dont get me wrong... I dont dislike the iboga but it is mind altering for sure.
I am proud of myself for the willingness to return to the Iboga for a tune up. I pondered it for several months before I gave in. I do wish that our Gov. would allow this in the states for all the suffering addicts. Not a silver bullet but surely a BIG leg up. |
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mimiluv
Local Fixture
Cuba
6396 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2010 : 09:01:17 AM
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| No problem Bonita, it was fun being on your magic carpet ride w/ you, lol. I am glad that everything went well. |
Angela
8/26/09 sub free
9/6/09 benzo free
9/27/09 CLEAN!!!
Before you can see the light, you must DEAL with the darkness. |
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beachnut
Senior Member
USA
1400 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2010 : 9:06:08 PM
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Getting a bit of cabin fever now..I hope I can pay someone to dig me out again.
As time passes from the flood dose....I find myself pondering, a lot.
What is it that I lack that I see others who I "approve" of as being happy/fulfilled. I was doing pretty well emotionally/physically. About a month ago I feel myself slipping back to old ways again. Didn't use... but the flags were being waved. I did promise my caregiver that If I felt the corners calling... I would come back clean for a TX.
So...8 months clean time. And I still am missing something. I am not talking 12 step now... more on the personal level. I am not numb. I am social. I work hard and I do get recognize for my work. I have my shit together on the financial end. Pretty secure job. I am active. What is missing.. is the spiritual side I have come to see. I don't think I do connect with people at all. I can empathize but really don't have anything moving inside??
I pray for others... and myself. I do believe in a higher power. That is not an issue for me. Maybe I am borderline or a form of autism. I have always been a loner. I am running out of things to do for what I want. I will go for the sponsor thingy.. again, I have nothing to loose.
Shieet.... maybe just cabin fever talk. |
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mimiluv
Local Fixture
Cuba
6396 Posts |
Posted - 02/09/2010 : 9:20:09 PM
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| I have a BAD case of cabin fever too, Bonita. Soon the snow will start to melt. |
Angela
8/26/09 sub free
9/6/09 benzo free
9/27/09 CLEAN!!!
Before you can see the light, you must DEAL with the darkness. |
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beachnut
Senior Member
USA
1400 Posts |
Posted - 02/11/2010 : 12:57:55 PM
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The whole neighborhood is out digging out.... I might be able to make a meeting today. I really cant dig out anymore.. my back hurts now and really don't want to deal with pain at this point.
I am still strong on getting a sponsor....hope to make my fav Thurs nite meeting. I only have a few that I like. thru and Sunday afternoon. I will be returning to work this weekend so wont make Sundays meeting....
Mimi... where are you again? |
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beachnut
Senior Member
USA
1400 Posts |
Posted - 02/12/2010 : 11:00:53 AM
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I had a what I call a Iboga dream early this am.... I couldn't tell in my dream if I was in the middle of flood or what. I had them the last time also.
Out of boredom.. I tried to watch "The corner" again. I just couldn't do it. Made me cry. So I switched to "the wire". Different take on the same story, just higher up the chain of slingers. In my dream I keep seeing myself end stage. This is really getting to me.
Being born a addict, I wonder sometimes if I am truly damaged. Not that my eyes are too far apart or shit like that but.... I dont know. I just seem to return to my "old self" no matter how hard I work on soberity. I am not there today. I am talking what drove me back to doing my 2nd tx. I didn't pick up but saw all the signs/flags of my old thinking coming back. Isolating again, rather be alone, not answering the phone...drug dreams again. I got to work on my 2nd tx set up and fast.
Being stuck inside is really not helping... I did get my car dug out again last night so took a drive to see how the corners are dealing with the snow. It actually made me feel better to see the little slingers/runners working again. My heart goes out to my fellow junkies and how they made out this last week.
I really hate being an addict. I hate that I will always have to be on guard of MYSELF!!!!
Dont get me wrong.. my life is good these days. I dont struggle, have what I need to live, can pay my bills and treat myself here and there. Have a good relationship with Mother/siblings/work. Just hate being an addict.
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beachnut
Senior Member
USA
1400 Posts |
Posted - 02/26/2010 : 09:46:38 AM
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I have decided to look for another type of job...... What I do now is just not acceptable to me any longer.
I wont quit till something is set up. I may have to leave the east coast..Hate snow anyways.
I do worry about my Mom... but my sister will be there for her and I can come back to see her when ever I/she wants.
I have had a few bites on a new plan for work. So far more in Ca. and Mexico. I like the weather in both. Looking into selling my home now.. not the best time for it but I have to do something and soon. |
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arlenewla
Local Fixture
USA
2258 Posts |
Posted - 02/27/2010 : 6:37:09 PM
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| So, Bonita...if you move to SoCal...you can help me take care of MY mom. |
Arlene F.
Exodus from Slavery; 12-25-02 |
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mimiluv
Local Fixture
Cuba
6396 Posts |
Posted - 02/27/2010 : 6:45:49 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by arlenewla
So, Bonita...if you move to SoCal...you can help me take care of MY mom.
 How can you pass up an offer like that, Bonita.
So what are you looking into doing as a job change? |
Angela
8/26/09 sub free
9/6/09 benzo free
9/27/09 CLEAN!!!
Before you can see the light, you must DEAL with the darkness. |
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arlenewla
Local Fixture
USA
2258 Posts |
Posted - 02/27/2010 : 6:46:27 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by beachnut
Dont get me wrong.. my life is good these days. I dont struggle, have what I need to live, can pay my bills and treat myself here and there. Have a good relationship with Mother/siblings/work. Just hate being an addict.
Babes...this is the both/and. For me, being a recovered addict represents the both parts of me. I can't hate anything thats a part of me..to be a self-hater.
People are mindful every day of a variety of things. Addicts just have to be more mindful of some very important details. Its not a burden...view it as a gift.
Hun'...I wouldn't cruise the areas where Methadone clinics are. For me, that would be lacking in congruent behavior. |
Arlene F.
Exodus from Slavery; 12-25-02 |
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beachnut
Senior Member
USA
1400 Posts |
Posted - 02/27/2010 : 10:46:35 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by arlenewla
quote:
Originally posted by beachnut
Don't get me wrong.. my life is good these days. I don't struggle, have what I need to live, can pay my bills and treat myself here and there. Have a good relationship with Mother/siblings/work. Just hate being an addict.
Babes...this is the both/and. For me, being a recovered addict represents the both parts of me. I can't hate anything thats a part of me..to be a self-hater.
People are mindful every day of a variety of things. Addicts just have to be more mindful of some very important details. Its not a burden...view it as a gift.
Hun'...I wouldn't cruise the areas where Methadone clinics are. For me, that would be lacking in congruent behavior.
I do think I need to work on "love" for myself. Being a "self-hater" has been a big part of my life. I don't always see it as clear as I should, how it affects my daily life/patterns and ability to reach out. For me, its one of the hardest parts of my recovery. Not sure I can view it as a gift at this point. Right now I feel just being alive is a Gift. One gift that I nearly didn't except.
The night I went cruising was out of total boredom and really worried about our fellow active addicts. I wasn't thinking clearly, obviously. Didn't see it as a possible trigger... the next morning I surely did. Was thinking WTF was I thinking, how could I possibly put myself in that sits! So many things could of happened.. could of been caught up in a street rape or worse, think I could do it just one more time. None of this happen, just a foolish thing to do for sure.
Ange.... What I do now for a living is basically help the Md's dose active addicts.. keep them out of wd while in the building yet offer no type of recovery tools. I also manage the nursing staff but mainly patient advocate. I want to be on the other side of this... not doping addicts but assist in getting them clean. I don't have the experience/clean time to assist in the actual recovery work.. surely have the experience of "getting clean". I also have to look at how to pay my bills if I give up the position I have now. Things are just at the beginning stage..really just thoughts and looking for doors to open up. Just knocking right now.
I want/need to feel like I am doing something worth while with my life. I have wasted so many yrs, useless being, selfish and only one thing drove me...that was the next high. I want something worth while/ selfless and I want to be good at it. I have had some offers for work... sifting thru them.
Arlene... little old ladies love me. I surely would assist in anything I was able to... you maybe shocked to see me on the coast. LOL. Then you can really slap me for calling out your age. |
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SectorSos
New Member
USA
7 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2010 : 02:40:52 AM
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I am considering treatment my self, i would love to find out more from people who have done it already. Is it working ?
I've been using heroin for about 12 years. For the past 8 month I'm on suboxone (still using dope once in the while though). I heared about Iboganie therapy somewhere in Mexico (I'm from United States - East Coast) My questions is, is it possible to get it done in United States, if yes where and how much ? My second questions, is it really working ? I mean i want to get clean more then anything in life, but like many others keep coming back to using it. If anybody can answer these questions for me please let me know. Will be very greatfull. |
The words "I am" are potent words; be careful what you hitch them to. The thing you're claiming has a way of reaching back claiming you. |
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beachnut
Senior Member
USA
1400 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2010 : 08:12:20 AM
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There is a story on Introductio site I think. ALso... you need to do some reseach on your own. You can look at utube and find alot. The last conference in NY is there also.
This is not a magic bullet... will take you thru the wd and prob nix 85=90% of wd. Sub... well, it takes a bit more to get thru it. Talk to a few clinic's. THey will be glad to chat.
I have done two tx thus far.... this firsy took but dont think I still didnt have to work at staying clean. We are still the same person post iboga and need to learn how to change our behaviors/responses/etc. If you want more inform. just im me. |
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arlenewla
Local Fixture
USA
2258 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2010 : 10:05:23 AM
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quote:
Originally posted by beachnut
I have done two tx thus far.... this firsy took but dont think I still didnt have to work at staying clean. We are still the same person post iboga and need to learn how to change our behaviors/responses/etc.
Coincidentally, I saw an old Law & Order SVU episode last week. Love that show!
I was enjoying the episode up to a particular point. It dealt with an active junkie. They needed this junkie to testify at trial. He made for less than a credible witness in that state. So upcomes the FBI shrink to speak to the miracles of Ibog as the "magic bullet." Then there was a lot of bemoaning of the fact that it was not legal in the US. The doc arranged for another doc to give the addict the treatment anyway....and voila...he was cured!
Cured of what? Withdrawl...okay. And what happens next? Stay tuned. |
Arlene F.
Exodus from Slavery; 12-25-02 |
Edited by - arlenewla on 03/03/2010 10:06:21 AM |
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beachnut
Senior Member
USA
1400 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2010 : 11:16:04 AM
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I don't want to simplify the matter with Ibogain; Not a cure all for sure. I have seen some do one treatment and be good for while.. some left the tx center and w/in weeks return to doping.
For me...I was given time to get healthy. Mind/body and time to work on spiritual. Some get no visions, some get few and some get vision after vision.
In simple terms... what iboga gives is a "window" of time to get your support system in check, change people, places and things without the dreaded cravings. Soon one will have to stand on thier own two feet again. One will walk away without the active addiction to deal with. On my first tx... my addiction was "pounded" out of me and not so gently, but gentle enough to deal with. Second tx... just took me back to no cravings/drug dreams and bought me more time. Some insight on why I was "going backwards".
There are chemical reasons why Ibogain works, too deep to go into. Like dope, it will bind with those hungry receptors. I think this is why one feels "cured" for a time. I have been down this road way to many times to feel "cured". I see how cunning dope is to my thoughts and outlook. So.. if one is looking for a easy way out.. Iboga is not it. Still the work must come in some form. There is nothing easy about a Iboga tx. |
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smelllibear
Member
USA
296 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2010 : 1:56:58 PM
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| i know few of who have gone down the ibogain treatment and results vary....one thing which looks certain is that you have to spend a lot of money probably all your life to go down this route so you have to ask yourself is it worth it?......its a risk and i mean risk of death so be vary folks.......you rather try to stay sober without paying and traveling and being in any kind of treatment for 6 months on and off.....because some regret that now because it works but only for a few months and then your back to your old cylce again....and then you need to raise money again to go that route.....IMHO not worth it and not necessary but maybe for some old folks who've tried everything and nothing esle works but still just look at other folks who didnt need no such treatment and are clean...so individual choice really..... |
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beachnut
Senior Member
USA
1400 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2010 : 2:07:44 PM
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| spoken from one who knows nothing, but it is a choice one must make with open eyes. |
Edited by - beachnut on 03/03/2010 2:10:29 PM |
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smelllibear
Member
USA
296 Posts |
Posted - 03/03/2010 : 2:25:03 PM
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| am just saying i wont do it personally......and from other folks experiences its a risk and includes lot of money.....also it can become cycle of doing that treatment eveyr 6 months or so.....thats not something i want to do in life...am also just saying many who've been worser off then us in the past have become stable and clean without such treatments so yeah depends on invivdual and its choice....i know how some want to advertise what they did so thus dont want to be the only ones to do this treatment......and also they want to be releaved they arent the only ones to be in this treatment but really nobody can push something on others.....its an indvidual choice....one should research and get other folks experiences and make a choice...but me being a young individual i know i dont need it but thats "IF" i stay clean from here on now...... |
Edited by - smelllibear on 03/03/2010 2:26:47 PM |
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Iboga
