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Daniel
Member
227 Posts |
 Posted - 02/04/2010 : 4:19:12 PM
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Hi Everyone-
Thanks for all the support and positive feedback from those I know.
A brief history:
I have used since I was rather young- but did not get into opiates until I was 25. I crossed the line that year using daily several times a day.
I met my ex while in France (where I started using because I was terrified about being accepted into a grad. program). I moved back to the US after completion and could never use anything "successfully" again. I had periods of sobriety.. did attend //meetings.. But my most significant sobriety was after I moved from Miami to Maine in 2001 w/8 months of sobriety, and several years w/out opiates. My ex dropped a divorce on me just after I moved.. and for some reason I decided not to use. I clutched on to many forms of recovery. Some meetings... therapy.. and I had a rather profound spiritual experience that was outside of any groups or institution..personal.. and my own deal. But it was the most precious thing I had, along with my two girls. Because I was sober and not running from fear or hurt (like all my past) I faced reality for once in my life. I somehow ended up with custody of my daughters. Long story. So, from 2000- 2006 I was sober.
Aside from the spirituality I loved outdoor stuff. I was always in the ocean, surfing (sort of) or diving or I was hiking and tracking animals just to watch them, not to hunt them. Especially bears. So my life was full of wonderful things.
To make a long story short... a bunch of things happened at once- my mom became ill. I had to transfer to Miami to care for her. This coincided with potential problems for my girls at the school in Maine, so for them it was better to go to school in Miami. As for myself- I hate Miami.
I also was remarried to a somewhat mad woman that created friction and division between her and the girls etc. It was a miserable environment. Quite different from that of Maine.
I picked up almost immediately upon arrival to Miami. Percs, Hydros, Fentanyl, OCs and since I had a sensitive job- I could be tested at any time. So I was scared that I was going to move on to H. Pain meds you can cover w/ scripts if you come up positive. Street drugs... immediate dismissal. Loose all the benefits, retirement, 401K etc. So, being terrified of doing H and heading for disaster....
This brings me to the "miracle" drug- Suboxone. I found out about this "revolutionary" med... and found a doctor and started subs in August of 2006. It is a complicated story, but I kept putting off getting off of subs. I started on only 6-8mg. It completely took away my spirit and love of life. The libido- gone. I stopped doing things that I loved.
I ended up having a heart attack in late 2007. I tried stopping a few times, but would end up back on because I was juggling too much and thought that was more important than recovery. I had managed to get down to the 2-4mg range for most of the time. To spare people the rest of the misery.... I voluntarily left my job because my health was so bad and I was severely depressed and knew I had to stop subs.
this was in July. For about 6 months I tried and tried, and knew that I would have to go to treatment or an insane asylum. I basically wanted to die. I was taking massive amounts of benzos as well.
I am very fortunate that I found a very good treatment place in Maryland. I hate rehabs and for me... to stick out for a 4 week period in a rehab was like asking me to go into the military or something. It was like a challenge for recovery that I kept putting off. To commit to following through and not bolting. I had bolted from several facilities throughout my life. (AMA). My insurance also covered part of it.
So, I actually did it. I was terrified, but went anyway. I was taken off the subs almost immediately, and started a benzo taper that did not go too well, but I was brought down to 1/10 of what I was taking. But I lasted the 4 weeks and was discharged in good standing!
So that brings me to now.....
I have been out for about 3 weeks. My last dose of Sub was December 21.
As with most people I feel very tired, weak, unemotional, sort of dead. I knew the PAWS would be long and tough and .. it is. Sometimes Im ok with it and sometimes I feel like I will never ever feel even close to normal. My greatest fear is never returning to the greatest gift that was granted me- my spiritual life. That and all the outdoor stuff I liked.
So I feel this sort of dreadful feeling when I wake up and start the day.
Today has not been such a bad day.
Im sorry if I seem somewhat drab in my thread post, but I started feeling tired again.
It was suggested that I introduce myself.. so there you have it.
Thanks everyone- and thanks Ratch for starting this site and having the vision of keeping strong opinions about recovery out of it... It is really brilliant. Thanks mimiluv, BOAG, danny2, TOTO, and all that have helped cheer me up. This is a great community and I am sooo happy that I came across it.
Daniel |
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mimiluv
Local Fixture
Cuba
6396 Posts |
Posted - 02/04/2010 : 4:21:36 PM
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Hey, Daniel, it's really nice to meet you, FINALLY!! I am really glad you found us. I hope you stick around for a while
I will post more to you later. I wanted to touch on a couple of things you wrote, that I relate to. |
Angela
8/26/09 sub free
9/6/09 benzo free
9/27/09 CLEAN!!!
Before you can see the light, you must DEAL with the darkness. |
Edited by - mimiluv on 02/04/2010 4:25:23 PM |
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danny2
Advanced Member
706 Posts |
Posted - 02/04/2010 : 4:23:19 PM
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WOw Daniel!
WTG!! Now all the posters can meet ya and see what a great guy you are! Thanks for doing this. |
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt.Bertrand Russell
The dumbest people I know are the ones who know it all.Malcolm Forbes. |
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mimiluv
Local Fixture
Cuba
6396 Posts |
Posted - 02/04/2010 : 5:05:32 PM
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Well, I will look past the part about you hating Miami
I totally relate to what you said about the lack of emotions ect... in paws. That part of it really bothers me. I thought I would/should have all of them back by now. I mean I was numb ON sub, so I thought after I got off of it, it would be different, KWIM.
I mean I get irritated and stuff, but I don't really get all of those DEEP feelings of love that I use to have before this shitstorm started.
Buuuut, I still feel better now that I did on sub. These paws are really frustrating though, it's almost like I would rather just feel shitty until I can wake up one day and be my old self again. It's like these GREAT tease days/weeks really mess with me
And the fatigue, I saw you mention that too. This week I have been so damn tired. Maybe I over did it last week? WTHK (who the hell knows).
Anyway, it's nice to have someone around here going through kind of the the same thing I am at the same time. Not that I am happy you have paws, lol, but you know what I mean.
I really do hope you stick around, we seem to get new people and just start getting to know them and then they stop posting. |
Angela
8/26/09 sub free
9/6/09 benzo free
9/27/09 CLEAN!!!
Before you can see the light, you must DEAL with the darkness. |
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danny2
Advanced Member
706 Posts |
Posted - 02/04/2010 : 7:43:47 PM
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ahh Daniel,
Don't worry about 'drab' days.Goes with the sub paws. We've all gone through it. The light at the end of the tunnel is so worth it....especially getting one's spiritual perspectives back.
Hang in there buddy! |
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt.Bertrand Russell
The dumbest people I know are the ones who know it all.Malcolm Forbes. |
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arlenewla
Local Fixture
USA
2258 Posts |
Posted - 02/04/2010 : 10:10:28 PM
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quote:
Originally posted by danny2
The light at the end of the tunnel is so worth it....especially getting one's spiritual perspectives back. Hang in there buddy!
Right you are, Danny.
Daniel...the spiritual perspective for me, was not, one of those burning bush experiences.
Rather, very small awakenings on a daily basis. The point is that when I am mindful of how my life changes...each day can be a new awakening.
Keep trudging, Daniel! |
Arlene F.
Exodus from Slavery; 12-25-02 |
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BOAG
Senior Member
Vatican City
1063 Posts |
Posted - 02/04/2010 : 10:37:05 PM
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An official welcome to the forum, Daniel. One of these days (soon!) I'm actually going to read your entire post. But not right now.
But nonetheless, welcome, and I hope you stick around. There is a lot of support here to be had, and I know you have a lot to offer too.
Really glad you started your own thread! |
"If for kindness you'd substitute blindness, please open your eyes."
Martin L. Gore |
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danny2
Advanced Member
706 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2010 : 08:36:43 AM
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Good Morning Daniel!
How are you feeling today?
Just checking in to see how you're doing. |
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt.Bertrand Russell
The dumbest people I know are the ones who know it all.Malcolm Forbes. |
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mimiluv
Local Fixture
Cuba
6396 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2010 : 08:51:02 AM
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| Yeah, Daniel, where are you? I hope you're doing okay. Check in when you can! |
Angela
8/26/09 sub free
9/6/09 benzo free
9/27/09 CLEAN!!!
Before you can see the light, you must DEAL with the darkness. |
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Daniel
Member
227 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2010 : 12:33:46 PM
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Sorry Everyone- quite the morning- I posted on Mimi's. I seem to still gravitate to her thread.. Lots of humor. And it is a "flaming folder" thread- lol!
I doing OK. It seems like a bunch of stuff happened at once- first I get a call from my daughter- whispering "daddy, can you email me something" I'm like WTF? are you talking about??? "I'm in class and I forgot my research paper, attach it and send it to me shhhh" So that started a somewhat weird morning of finding her doc on her computer, attaching and sending it to her.
Damn, I wish I was able to do that when I was in my first year of Univ. Then I trudged reluctantly into the bay and jumped in and swam for a few seconds. Then the exterminator almost let my dogs escape, then an argument w/girls about one of the dogs that has to be given away... one they adopted and is - seriously- tearing my house down bit by bit and it is starting to look v. white trashy...and I have paws and cannot even contemplate replacing a screen with one of those little roller jobbies on that always slip. And finally I am waiting for Ernesto the dog groomer... Aye dios mios.
Thanks for everyones input and welcome.
Ange- I will post in a .. post below the emotions thing. Thanks for relating. Dont worry about the "not that I'm glad you are feeling that way" Im totally into "misery loves company" lol! Damn you are freaking funny. |
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Daniel
Member
227 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2010 : 1:05:57 PM
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Angela- you really hit it on the button. When I first came off at said treatment center- I was flooded w/sadness. It certainly did not help that the acute part came on right at Xmas time.... and all the families were coming to visit people.. and I felt like I was in this glass house. Having lived through a few failed relationships it was rough seeing families still intact and people being able to love, and me seemingly missing some ingredient and not being able to participate in love or life. Then, I moved into the ..... grey fog of no emotions. EXACTLY like you talk about. I seem either unemotional or v. f*king pissed off. I think I told you about this football player type at the treatment center who loved to tease people. Especially vulnerable people, and I was still a bit on the weepy side. So it was typical guys ragging type shit. But one day he went to far. I had moved into the grey/rage zone.
He opened his f*cking mouth one too many times and I came very close to jumping across the table at him, but instead gave him (apparently) a very scary wild eyed look and repeated like three times that he had a really big punk ass big mouth. I was suprised.. it actually worked.. he moved on to someone else. A**hole. Then I mentioned the //nazi at my first and last meeting I went to recently. Fortunately I just walked away from him while he was chanting like a mantra // speak.
Normally I am a very emotional type. It actually kind of sucks because (as I mentioned) the stigma. People tell me I am a rather passionate person, or intense.
Not now sister. I think I could watch Titanic and just stare blindly at the screen as Jack slips away into the freezing abyss and not give a flying f*k. I'm one of the few that actually liked Titanic. Kate was so sensual. I'm going off subject again.
There is some sadness starting to creep back though. I'm actually grateful for it. That is how desperate I am.
From my perspective though- you seem quite emotional- at least in the humor sense. I guess I have that emotion (if that is what it is- and not just plane insanity) as well. I still think of some of the characters in the treatment center and start laughing by myself. I'll have to tell the story about Christos. Later, when Im not so tired. He was not Italian, or hispanic. So his name sparked curiosity. I asked him if he knew that his name was the original term given to the early "People of the Way" that followed the "Anointed" one, or in latin "Christos" He was like: WTF you talking about bro? I said that Christos was the Roman name given to the early christians (hence where the name christian comes from) and meant "anointed one". He thought I was crazy.. along w/ others.
He was a beaute though. He was anointed but in quite the different way. I'm laughing by myself again. He was up there w/ Grandpa. Among this cast of characters... I must include myself. I'm sure that there are people telling stories about Daniel, and laughing by themselves as well. They thought I was crazy because of a discussion on gravity and relativity. Like I had taken one too many hits of LSD 25.
Jeeessee Im long winded... sorry. |
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mimiluv
Local Fixture
Cuba
6396 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2010 : 2:48:21 PM
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Oh, yes Daniel I had my  time too. I would lay in bed ( which I did for 2 months) and watch MJ video's and cry like a baby. I would cry because I still felt like shit, because I really needed to take a shower but it was just to damn much work to dry off . I would cry because I got alll the way back up stairs and realized I forgot my water bottle downstairs. Looking at the clock was sure to bring on the tears, the minutes seemed like hours and days like weeks
But I/we are getting better a little at a time |
Angela
8/26/09 sub free
9/6/09 benzo free
9/27/09 CLEAN!!!
Before you can see the light, you must DEAL with the darkness. |
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Daniel
Member
227 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2010 : 3:25:15 PM
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Meemes you are quite the expert at using the little round guys for expression! Thanks for the response. I actually feel half way decent today. Perhaps it has to do w/ me having to get off my ass and coordinate exterminator/daughter/swim in bay/ernesto the "groomer" (sounds like a quentin tarantino character- he actually is).
What is MJ (video). Anytime I see MJ, I think of Mary Jane, an outdated term for weed..... Maria Juana
You continue to make me laugh- the water bottle cry took the cake. LMAO. Thanks for the humor it makes a HUGE difference. I like to laugh. |
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mimiluv
Local Fixture
Cuba
6396 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2010 : 3:32:34 PM
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| MJ= Mary Jane, oooorrrrr, Michael Jackson, lol, in my case I meant Michael Jackson I grew up w/ MJ in the 80's and 90's and Hell if I know why I was so sad that he died. Maybe cuz he was on Opi's too, so I could relate to his inner pain. |
Angela
8/26/09 sub free
9/6/09 benzo free
9/27/09 CLEAN!!!
Before you can see the light, you must DEAL with the darkness. |
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Daniel
Member
227 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2010 : 3:49:21 PM
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Its funny that you mention that. A lot of people did not show much sympathy for poor Michael. I grew up w/ him as well. Sort of split era's though. I listened to him when I was a kid and he was J5 (Jackson 5 ha!)
Then later in college- some pretty crazy parties during the "thriller" era. He was absolutely brilliant. I'm not a huge fan, but still respect him as an artist. Then as you said.... He was soooo lost. It was heart breaking.
Even on subs when he died..I was sad about the whole thing.
Madonna also- Lots of people trashed her, yet she evolved into quite the artist. Left Cindy Lauper in the dust. She impresses the hell out of me.
I'm sorry I ramble and switch direction but I think it is part of the detox. I remember (this was during my years of sobriety and my one daughter was in Junior High)... I have no idea why, but Caroline became somewhat obsessed w/ Madonna. We would both wake up early- her for school bus, me for work. And she played "Material Girl" over and over and over while I was desperately making my coffee and trying not to loose it... to the point that still to this day it plays in my head.
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mimiluv
Local Fixture
Cuba
6396 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2010 : 3:57:06 PM
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Yeah, MJ was really lost and he was soooo lonely, it just broke my heart
I am glad you're feeling better today. I am having a lot of anxiety today, Gawd I hate it
I love the name of your dog groomer
Well it's almost time to go get my little monkeys Lord help me |
Angela
8/26/09 sub free
9/6/09 benzo free
9/27/09 CLEAN!!!
Before you can see the light, you must DEAL with the darkness. |
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Daniel
Member
227 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2010 : 4:05:30 PM
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Thank You Angelina: That is what Ernesto would say.... lol!
Sorry about the anxiety. Any particular reason?
Good luck w/ ..children.. |
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mimiluv
Local Fixture
Cuba
6396 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2010 : 4:09:26 PM
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| No, not really I just seem to get anxiety at about 2 pm or so. Last week I didn't have any and it was soooooo friggin AWESOME!! When I was on sub, every afternoon the anxiety would hit, that is how I got put on the damn xanax, ugh. The anxiety is probably a benzo paws thing, who the hell knows. |
Angela
8/26/09 sub free
9/6/09 benzo free
9/27/09 CLEAN!!!
Before you can see the light, you must DEAL with the darkness. |
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mimiluv
Local Fixture
Cuba
6396 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2010 : 4:10:35 PM
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| Only 2 more posts until you get your very own little flaming envelope |
Angela
8/26/09 sub free
9/6/09 benzo free
9/27/09 CLEAN!!!
Before you can see the light, you must DEAL with the darkness. |
Edited by - mimiluv on 02/05/2010 4:10:55 PM |
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Daniel
Member
227 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2010 : 5:05:32 PM
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No Way! 2 more posts??????
Anxiety: If I was a mom that volunteered and I had to go pick up my kids at school... I would be totally anxious for fear that another mom would ask me to bake a cake or some shit for next monday. I would probably freak out and grab my kids and run for the SUV with my hand over my ears. So, maybe thats it.
Uber Angst.
Having raised my girls alone from ages (more or less- they did spend a little time w/ their mom) 9 and 12 to present 18 and 21... I can only say that I feel for you. I would not trade it for anything though. I love my girls.
I'm still dealing w/ the benzos, but the treatment place brought me down significantly. They hit a bump in my 3rd week and I (I'm being serious) had a sudden case of claustrophobia in the lunch room and then went to the nurses station and had a mini- nervous breakdown. Opis are one thing- benzos are v. scary. I only take enough not to be in w/d so I dont get an effect - but I am starting a slow taper as things improve from sub.
Were you on the xanax long?
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mimiluv
Local Fixture
Cuba
6396 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2010 : 5:45:09 PM
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And here is to your Flaming envelope  |
Angela
8/26/09 sub free
9/6/09 benzo free
9/27/09 CLEAN!!!
Before you can see the light, you must DEAL with the darkness. |
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Daniel
Member
227 Posts |
Posted - 02/05/2010 : 9:06:53 PM
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You are toooooo muuuuchhhh. You got two guys clacking pitchers of beer! How the hell did you do that???
I hope things are more mellow tomorrow. |
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danny2
Advanced Member
706 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2010 : 08:53:24 AM
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Mornin Daniel!
Just want to check in with ya!
See how you're doing/feeling!
Isn't Angelina a treasure!
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The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt.Bertrand Russell
The dumbest people I know are the ones who know it all.Malcolm Forbes. |
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Daniel
Member
227 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2010 : 09:12:21 AM
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Hi Danny,
I actually doing pretty well, thanks. You? Yes Angela is hilarious- without even trying to be.... naturally |
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Daniel
Member
227 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2010 : 09:13:55 AM
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| d- what was your situation or is current situation? I take it you are clean from the posts. Were you on Suboxone? |
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mimiluv
Local Fixture
Cuba
6396 Posts |
Posted - 02/06/2010 : 09:17:02 AM
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| Good morning, Daniel. Glad you are doing well. How has your sleep been? I know the excitement of the flaming envelope probably made it hard to sleep last night, lol. No, but seriously I haven't heard you mention sleep at all. Are you sleeping okay? I think a trip to the screen store is in order for you today, huh? |
Angela
8/26/09 sub free
9/6/09 benzo free
9/27/09 CLEAN!!!
Before you can see the light, you must DEAL with the darkness. |
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Daniel- Introduction- new here.
